breathe on me

breathe on me. all you are is all i want. draw me close in your arms.

those words come from a song near to my heart-- hillsong united "always"-- that song was on a worship mix i was given by 2 special friends after my dad passed away. i even selected that cd to be played during my dad's visitation. after everyone had paid their respects that night i sat in the front row and just let this song wash over me. i felt so so close to god during that time-- just at peace even though i was grieving. when i hear this song now i long to feel that closeness, i yearn for it.

recently i was having a convo with one of my very best friends and she asked how i was doing with everything. i told her i have never wanted jesus to come back so badly!! ha and i apologized for sounding so morbid-- i meant i understood, like tip of the iceberg understood, what it felt/feels like to suffer and i was soo over it. not just me but this world!! i went on to explain how i can't imagine going through panic, disease, deaths, etc. without knowing god-- even at my low points where i didn't see the end i knew deep down i was going to get through it, that god was in control. and she said ash, that is so encouraging!! you wanting jesus to come back isn't a bad thing... you are yearning for a good thing...how many times a day do you hear ppl say they are ready for jesus to come back to earth?! a light bulb went off at that moment and all i could do was say thank you. allll these yrs. (ok like the past 5)after i got my tattoo ("yearn" - on the inside of my left wrist in hebrew--from psalm 63), i had the intention of it to remind me that god yearns for me. he yearns for a relationship with me just like i yearn for a relationship on earth with a boy. while that is still awesome it doesn't mean it can't have multiple meanings :)

slowly but surly i am beginning to hear god's voice more. it may not be an actual audible voice but he is leading me. my mentor that i get to see once a week asked me tonight if i read the chapter she had given me-- and i told her some things that stuck out to me. the more we talked about what stuck out to me and how my thoughts lead back to those verses though the week the more excited she became. she said ash, i was just reminded how awesome god is!! when i was going through hard times and read over this chapter the lord spoke out dif. things to me and as i was waiting for you to mention the same things the lord said no, this was meant for ashley- this is what she needed to hear. the word is alive my friends-- you may have read the same story/verses a couple times b4 in ur life but each time god will reveal himself to meet your needs. god is a gentleman through and through, he will not force himself on you. he is patient, he will pursue you gently and intimately.

john ch.11:1-43 is what she had me read...i encourage you to read it. read it just to read it, don't pick it apart. see what god wants to say to you :)

this blog was kinda all over the place tonight-- i felt so much and im so thankful for this woman in my life to speak truth to me. im still grasping just HOW MUCH god loves me...even when we think we have been loved by our families, friends, bf, gf, etc. god loves us so much more. im gonna share this- i used to tell the girls at camp while i was a counselor to imagine standing on a beach. can u see and feel the sand? imagine picking up a handful of sand, there are soo many tiny, tiny pieces crushed together alll over the world. i want you to know that god loves YOU more than every grain of sand covering the earth!! WOW unreal. speechless. what do you even do with that?? well, i don't think we are supposed to ever have all the answers-believers will have all of eternity to experience it :)